i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Randomize
