I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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