ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
