Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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