Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
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