i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
