I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
