Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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