I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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