There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
