He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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