Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize