the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
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