Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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