you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
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