it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Randomize
