Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize