Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Randomize
