I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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