I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
