I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
