she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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