I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
