She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
