His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
