New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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