I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
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