Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Randomize