Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Randomize
