you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
