im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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