I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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