Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
