Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Randomize
