Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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