come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
