After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Just puked most of my soul out..
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
