woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
