I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
