I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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