Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
