Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
