Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
