He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Ketchup is God's man juice
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
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