Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
