i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
