my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
