Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
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