I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
