I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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