I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
