I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
