Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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