Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Randomize
