life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
