I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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