come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
