Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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