When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
