I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
i will never coherently bang her
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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