hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
