i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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