my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
