you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
