Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Randomize
