One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
